Compelled

What compelled me yesterday to go for a bicycle ride in the middle of the afternoon when it's 99 deg in the shade (and probably 10 degrees hotter on the pavement)?  It was, by the way, only my third ride of the year.  Ugh!  For a devoted biker, it would have been the third ride of the week and for a moderately motivated biker the third of the month.  Third of the year?!  I had some concern about even surviving it at worst or being totally miserable at best.  Anyway, off I went.  But why?  

I don't need to lose weight.  I don't need to impress my wife, who, by the way, thinks I'm hot just standing there in my biking shorts - go figure.  So what was it then?  Well, I do actually like the hot summer weather and have enjoyed in recent years just embracing the heat and immersing myself in it.  I can't begin to explain this, so let's just leave it at that.  I also really love getting out in the country, which I am fortunate to have quick biking access to from my house.  There's so much more I can take in on the bike as compared to riding in the car.  The sound of the birds.  The sound of no traffic.  The sight of wildflowers growing in roadside ditches.  The smell of the grass and the farm fields and honeysuckle.  Yes, there is the occasional road kill, but I've learned to scan ahead and breath only through my mouth when necessary.  But what really compelled me was time...alone...to think.  And I've had a lot to think about lately.

I have learned that these rides are great opportunities for deeper thinking than I'm likely to do with all of the comfortable distractions around the house.  Why not something less...torturing you might ask?  You know - like a walk around the block?  Well, I have also found that the physical wringing out of my body can bring a spiritual wringing out of my soul.  As my muscles and lungs come to the end of themselves, so does my heart and mind.  Yesterday I was grappling with trying to understand why a certain strong desire in my heart was not being fulfilled.  There were a myriad of questions running through my head: Why, God, do I have this desire?  Why are there always road blocks to fulfilling it?  What should I do with it?  Let it go?  Keep holding on to it?  How do I address the frustration?  How do I approach the people who are frustrating me?  I didn't end up with final answers on any of these and wasn't really expecting to.  But one thing that did roll around in my head was this idea of "competing desires of the heart".  What happens if what I desire is not in alignment with what someone else wants?  And what if we are both Christ followers and both trying to understand and live the will of the Father?  Trying imperfectly of course, but yet still trying.  Can this really happen?  I mean, God knows what's going on in each of our heads and hearts even if we don't.  So why would He let that happen?  I know, this is one of those "Huh?" questions.  And you may say - "Dude, get off the bike and into the shade and drink some cold fluids until the pain goes away."  But - bear with me - it is an interesting thought.  Kind of like if/when Christians are praying against each other.  (I heard a speaker say once to consider whether you may be praying against someone else.)  My amazingly profound conclusion:  Well, obviously it can happen.  Simple Bible example is Paul and Barnabas and their different opinions about missionary journeys and journey companions (Acts 15).  Sometimes we will with all prayer and sincerity and soul-wringing consideration end up with strong feelings and desires that are at odds with others.  And it will probably create some conflict and doubts and pain - especially if life-long dreams are in the mix.  And I think I'm OK with that.  It's probably a better place to be than thinking that there is one and only one 'right' answer - because then someone has to win and someone has to lose.  So what I am left with is knowing that the Father knows all and (the tougher part) believing & trusting that He cares.  And if I do believe and trust, am I willing to accept the peace he offers - even if the desire is never met?  

One other thought I remember having came as I was grinding up a hill - that I am "fearfully and wonderfully made".  It seemed like a good motivating thought and I really wanted to focus on the 'wonderfully' as an encouragement to keep cranking.  But I admit I got stuck in the 'fearfully' - as in: It scares me a little the things I find fun to do.

So, I guess I'll plan for my next ride - hopefully sooner than the last given all that's been on my mind lately.  And maybe I'll start researching that other thing that's got my curiosity up: canoeing the Missouri River from KC to St Louis...